Friday, August 5, 2011

With ALL my heart?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

Proverbs 3:5

I had a revelation this morning! Eye-opener, Moment of Truth, Epiphany…you name it! But it was just that. I “saw” that after so many years of calling myself a Christian, I really do NOT Trust God with ALL my heart! There! I said it!

This revelation began after I awoke from a very realistic dream about my late husband. Though I cannot remember the details, it was a pleasant dream and so real. So much so until those feelings of fresh grief returned in full force and the questions of “Why?” and “What if?”. Issues that I thought I had worked through over the years since his passing; but they began to raise there ugly heads to batter me. So I had a talk with the Lord…

Feeling the nudge to read the above scripture, the word ALL jumped out at me. And then the blinders came off. The table was turned…instead of me asking the questions, It was God asking me...”Do you trust Me with ALL your heart?”

I knew I trusted Him for my provisions, protection, comfort, unconditional love and the list goes on and on…but I knew in my heart, He was asking me did I trust Him with the things that I don’t understand. Now don’t get me wrong I believe that there is nothing wrong with asking God why, after all, if you have a relationship with Him, He is your true Father and does not mind the questions. AND He has given us the ability to reason; isn’t it about the age of two, maybe younger that a child will begin to ask “Why”, over and over again until you give them a satisfying answer or you have to say “Because I said so!”.

That is the part of my heart that I had not truly surrendered to Him…the part when God’s answer is “Because I allowed it” and then silence. At times like this you can feel like that two year old still sniffling and yes, simmering with anger after you’ve gotten an “answer” like this.

Trust can be a powerful thing, though you may feel totally helpless and vulnerable, there is still a feeling of power that comes when you have turned it over to a God that is big enough to take care of it all, even that simmering anger that is still there. We have to give it to Him, we can’t handle it!

I do not understand so many things that happen or why. But as I allow Him to continue to work on me, I can now look into the eyes of a person that has experienced much pain and hurt, rejection and misunderstanding and with honesty and compassion say “I don’t understand either, but He does.”

Walking life’s journey is not always easy, but we CAN have peace in our hearts, our homes and families as we learn to trust God whether we understand it or not. Something we have to work on…I know I do!