Saturday, May 12, 2012

Letter to my Mom...

Dear Ma,
Well, another Mother’s day has rolled around; this is the 12th one without you.  But your passing from this life to eternity seems like yesterday sometimes. I miss you so much.  And it seems that the older I get, the more I understand you…does that make sense?

I passed by a mirror the other day and wow I could see you in me so much…your mannerisms and movements! If I am becoming even a fraction of the woman of grace that you are I am so thankful.  I know, I know…during my turbulent teenage years I wanted to be anything but my mother. But now Ma, I am so thankful that you hung on to me during those times. Me with my smart mouth and “always having to say the last word” self; you hung on to me, even when I’m sure I broke your heart a few times.  Thanks Ma…only a Mother’s love can do that.
I can think of a lot of things I’m sorry for; like the time I missed your 50th wedding Anniversary; and the time after Dad had passed, I should have had more compassion, instead of trying to rush you through your grief. And even the time I never got around to trimming your hair for you on one of my visits. But I know Ma you wouldn’t want me to feel guilty about any of that stuff, because not once  have you EVER made me feel guilty about anything while you were with us on earth. You only showed unconditional love.

You gave birth to me with God’s help on a hot day in July after you discovered my older brother had splattered mud on your clean laundry hanging on the clothes line! (I love when my brother tells me about that day).  And from that day on you have been the most excellent example of what a real woman should be; strong, smart, giving, loving, graceful, a cute dresser and on and on.  You taught me how to be a good wife, even the part about “in sickness and in health”, when I watched how you took care of Dad during his illness.  Who knew that I would be following in similar footsteps?  And you taught me how to be strong and resilient during times of sadness.
You Ma gave me the gift of humor and laughter!  Oh the times we’ve shared laughing so hard that I literally crawled on the floor, because I was laughing so hard I could not get up from the spot where I’d fallen! I still laugh out loud when I think of some of the things we laughed about and your gift of humor has spread from generation to generation.  Thanks Ma!

I won’t be sad this Mother’s Day, because I know you would not want me to be.  You would want me to be happy and enjoy the life God has given me. You always would say to me “Roni, enjoy every second of your life.” And that is what I now say to my son and daughter-in-love, “Enjoy! Enjoy!
Thanks Ma for being a wonderful mother to me, and I pray that somehow God will let you know how much I love and appreciate you.  I miss you like crazy, but know that one day we will see each other again and Oh! What a day that will be.

With much, much love,
Your middle daughter,

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Wanna feel lighter?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”. Proverbs 3: 5-6

Reminded once again about “letting go” today. Am I the only one that have a hard time sometimes letting go?  The past, things and people in the now and present and oh yeah! The future too. 

I’m a music person from the heart…I LOVE music!  Even as a child I can remember harmonizing with commercial jingles. I could hear harmony notes in every song that I heard at a very early age. So knowing that God has given me this gift, it is no wonder that God speaks to me through music. Listening to the CD “When Women Worship” today, they began to sing “I Surrender All”.

 And If I can be perfectly honest with you, it is a song that I have been sort of scared to sing.  Yes Me! Miss “I know the Lord and He knows me”.   It’s like I hold back a part of myself when I sing that song, fearful that if I sung it and really meant it, God would ask something of me that I was not willing to give, or that He would allow something painful to happen that I could not bear. Now I’m sure if you talk to Dr. Phil or a Psycho Analyst they would have some explanation of why I felt that way, but bottom line, it comes to a matter of Trust.  Things have happened in my life with or without me singing that song from the heart and guess what? God has brought me through each one.  So there! (me)

Surrender means: to yield (something) to the possession or power of another) according to Why is that so hard to do sometimes?  Well in my case, sometimes I think that I can work it out better or quicker than God can…now don’t laugh, you know you do that too!  Or I don’t let it go because I really like rehearsing it over and over again in my mind, letting it marinate like a nice steak or chicken in some teriyaki sauce…after 30 minutes turning it over to marinate on the other side…now I’m getting hungry. Lol

But seriously do you know how weighted down a person can get when you’re trying to carry stuff that you aren’t designed for?  That’s why I believe most folks are tired all the time!

I remember several years ago now, I received a phone call from a person that was having a problem, it was the middle of the night and they called me to update me on what was happening. After they explained, I felt so helpless, because 1) they were too far away, and 2) I could’ve done anything about the situation anyway! After hanging up the phone I tossed and turned for a long time, all the time praying and travailing over the whole thing.  I must have sounded like a robot that had lost all it’s screws and was stuck on one phrase “Help ‘em Lord, help ‘em Lord, help ‘em Lord.”  Finally I think He had enough and gave me a clear visual of me carrying that person and others involved, all their possessions, including vehicles all on my back.  I mean REALLY. I looked like a stupid version of the Atlas man, but instead of the world on his back, I had all of these individuals and their stuff on mine!  Now I know it sounds crazy, but right there at about 3:00AM, I laid in my bed and starting laughing so hard at that visual that I thought I was going to bust a gasket! LOL!  It was ridiculous!

And THAT is how ridiculous it is to think that we can carry life’s issues…we can’t!  God wants us to lean on Him and not our understanding! Is that easy to do? No , not always, but practice DOES make perfect. When the thoughts come and you know that you are helpless to do anything about it or if you SHOULDN’T do anything about it…throw that thought down...away from yourself and ask God to help you let Him work it out. Eventually you’ll get it and feel so much lighter!