There were many times I felt like giving up and throwing in the towel, but the Holy Spirit would not let me. Every time that I would feel sorry for myself, He would remind me of all I had to be grateful for. I remember the time when I had worried myself almost sick about whether I should move to be closer to my grandchildren. Well meaning people would tell me that I was crazy not to pull up stakes and move, but there was always something keeping me from doing that. I mean it made sense, I had no one in this area to stay for, nothing to hold me back, and yet...there was always this feeling that I should wait...
I would cry and cry over it until one day while in prayer, I said to the Lord, "Should I move, please show me, I want to live closer to my grandchildren, because I want them to know me." and the Holy Spirit answered, "Pray that your grandchildren know ME." In an instance I knew what He meant, you see I can never always be where my grandchildren are, I can never always be there for them when they have trials or sorrow, I can never always be there to comfort them when they need it, I can never always be there for them when they need guidance and assurance in life. But if they get to know HIM, He will NEVER leave them nor forsake them. So I finally GOT it! Yes it would be lovely to live close to them, but it is so much more important that they come to know the ONE that will ALWAYS be close to them, our Lord Jesus Christ.
As I learn to release my desires to Him and how to not let the things that I want in life to be the object of my faith, I have experienced more peace, more contentment. When I allow the things that I want in life to become the objects of my faith, then I am sidetracked and my eyes drift away from Who is most important. The only object of my faith should be to obey Him and to live to see what He actually has for me in this life, which I believe is far, far better than anything I could ever dream of. He knows my desires and He knows me better than I know myself, so why not relax and enjoy the ride. Let Him take the wheel, for real. Doesn't mean we become lazy and have to be pushed to do everything; but living life each day as best you can to be pleasing to Him, doing what Jesus did. Listening to His leading each day, sometimes it may be to do big things, but more often it is to be attentive to the still small voice that leads you do what may seem mundane to others, but could very well positively effect a life or a generation.
I no longer worry or get anxious about the next step, when to move or not, I know that when and if that time comes I will know. Just as He spoke to my heart many years ago when I was anxious about a job change. I wanted to work in a different field from the bank and was quite annoyed and had lost all joy about going to work. I had tried and tried to get work in a school but at the time to no avail. One morning while on my way to work, as I was complaining, He spoke to my heart that I should work at my current job just as if I would be there indefinitely; create a working environment that I wanted, right where I was at; but prepare myself to move at anytime He opened the door. What? Lord you mean you want me to make this current job, that I hate, become a place that I would like to work forever?" "Yes". And so I did, it took a while but I began to come to work with a different attitude, I was more cheerful, brought in snacks for the break room, took more interest in the lives of my co workers, became more helpful to the customers and visiting officials. Pretty soon I forgot all about getting a new job and was no longer just tolerating it but actually enjoying it. The negative things did not matter anymore.
After a time I received a phone call and you guessed it...it was the job that I had really wanted some time before. My boss came to me and shared that they had already called her prior and asked for a character reference. You see since I had made those changes in my attitude, she gave them an excellent reference and even told them that she would hate to lose me as an employee. So in due time God opened a door, but because I allowed Him to change me, I not only was able to have a new opportunity, but I left behind a very good witness for Him.
Waiting is not easy, believe me I know, but it is so worth it. As I looked out at the morning sky, I felt content. Is everything the way I want it to be now? No. Will it ever be? I don't know. But for now, and with each day that the Lord gives me breath to awake, I am grateful, I am confident, that...
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,